Harry Potter and the Final Bloodbath
by Mrs Weasley
Summary: I am posting this on behalf of my sister, who wrote it. It is a bit twisted, but I think it is funny! Rated PG13 for several nasty deaths!


Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling, except for a few added ones.  
  
Warning: Nasty deaths ahead - but it's quite funny, although twisted! RATED PG-13.   
  
Harry Potter & the Final Bloodbath  
  
by Dr Flobberworm (Sister of Mrs Weasley)  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Harry finished his tea, picked up some papers and wandered down the stairs from the South Tower. He was enjoying his last moments of freedom before the new term began, and Hogwarts was yet again taken over by the hordes of trainee witches and wizards.  
  
It had been twelve years now since Harry had been a pupil at Hogwarts. After he had left he spent ten glorious years as Seeker for the England Quidditch team, during this time England had experienced a renaissance, vying with Ireland for the World Championships year after year. Immediately after he announced his retirement he was flooded with offers of appointments - but he couldn't resist the opportunity to return to Hogwarts, as Head of Gryffindor and Quidditch Coach.  
  
Upon his return he was amazed to be reunited with two old friends - Ron and Hermione, now Mr and Mrs Weasley. The years he had spent travelling the world with the England team had made it hard to keep in contact with his old school friends, especially as for a while Ron and Hermione had also been travelling, working in a mission in Transylvania trying to unite Banshees in the pursuit of good by means of a choir tour. They had returned to Hogwarts a year before Harry, Hermione as Deputy Head and teacher of History of Magic, and Ron - well no one was quite sure what Ron did, but he did it very well so nobody bothered him.  
  
A few old faces were still around from when Harry was a pupil at the school. Dumbledore had long since retired. McGonagoll had taken over as Head. Hagrid had opened a zoo, where he had one of the only breeding pairs of Latvian Coughing Dragons in captivity (it could be particularly hot when they had one of their choking fits, and Hagrid had many burns for his troubles). Snape was still around, older but looking suspiciously sprightly; there were many who suggested that he was whipping up a sneaky rejuvenating potion in his lab late at night. Madam Pomfrey had just broken and mended her neck of femur for the fifty-eighth time, but was otherwise in robust health, and Neville Longbottom was still there, resitting his exams for the nineteenth time last year and doing some handyman duties now that Hagrid wasn't around.  
  
Harry sat on the front step of the school, savouring the quietness. It wouldn't be long now before the train arrived on the other side of the lake. Harry sighed. He'd been contemplating the future lately. It seemed like such a long time since the excitement of playing for England, and he missed it. He wasn't sure if he wanted to stay at Hogwarts forever; when McGonagoll retired Hermione was sure to become Head. He though of Snape, still Head of Slytherin after so many years - did he really want to end up like that? Perhaps it was time...but he could see a puff of steam amongst the trees on the other side of the lake that signalled that the train was arriving, and it was time to start the year...  
  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Two weeks into term, and things were starting to settle down. Harry was in the Staff Room with Daisy Wise, the new Enchantments teacher and Ron, considering some of their new pupils.  
  
"That Xavier Binkes in Slytherin reminds me of Draco Malfoy", sighed Ron, "He was incredibly rude to me today, no respect. And I notice Severus gave him twenty house points yesterday for turning Flora Holmbush into a hedgehog, even though he was supposed to be making a shrinking potion. But I see Troy Osmanovski looks like becoming the only first year other than you to play Quidditch for Gryffindor - he's an amazing seeker." commented Ron, smiling at Harry.  
  
"Well, I'm not sure about that yet," sniffed Harry, "Posey Jones has done well for us and she's only in her fifth year. I'll have to think about it."  
  
Ron looked amazed. "But Osmanovski is brilliant, I've never seen anyone so quick. Don't keep him out just because you want to protect your record!" With this Harry looked exasperated and left the room. "What did I say? I was only teasing him."  
  
"He does seem a bit down at the moment. Perhaps he'll cheer up when the Quidditch season starts..." Daisy was cut short by a second year, Lou Lewinsky, bursting into the room.  
  
"Miiiiiissssssss! Come quickly! Professor McGonagall's lying in the hall - she's not moving!" Lou shrieked. With this everybody set off down the stairs.  
  
Hermione, Daisy and Ron couldn't believe it. Professor McGonagoll, dead? How could it have happened? Madam Pomfrey had been able to do nothing - it had been a powerful draining spell that had sucked out all her bodily fluids and left just a shell.  
  
"How could this have happened?" Harry exclaimed, as he rushed to the scene, "The enchantments around the school are supposed to ensure that nobody can get in to do this sort of thing."  
  
"I must go and send an owl to the Ministry of Magic." Hermione rushed off.  
  
"No one could have got in," said Ron, "It would take some wizard to get past the enchantments and perform that spell, it's impossible"  
  
"Then it must be someone in here."  
  
"But who could it possible be?" questioned Ron. "None of the students would be capable. Snape might want to, he's pretty evil, and he might fancy being Head of Hogwarts, but that wasn't a potion that killed McGonagoll, I don't know if Snape could do that kind of spell. Hermione said it was an incredibly complicated one."  
  
"So we're looking for someone who is brilliant at spells, who might be on a power trip to become Head of Hogwarts...oh, no, Ron, I didn't mean Herm..." Daisy's voice trailed away as Ron scowled at her. It was a commonly known fact that Hermione harboured a lifelong ambition to become Head of the school, and she was an incredibly gifted witch, but surely Hermione murdering McGonagoll was a ridiculous idea?  
  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Daisy walked into the Staff Room, and Ron ignored her. It had been like that ever since the day of McGonagall's murder; Ron had taken deep offence at Daisy's accidental inference that Hermione might be responsible. He had obviously told Hermione too, as she was nothing more than civil to Daisy. "How was your lesson with the Hufflepuffs?", she asked stiffly. She was taking her responsibilities as Acting Head very seriously. "Are they up to date with their syllabus?"  
  
"Yes, they're doing very well, thank you." Daisy mumbled, before hurrying to a seat well away from Ron.  
  
"I think you're being a bit hard on her," said Harry, "She didn't mean to imply anything. Anyway, how's your application for Head going? Have you heard anything?"  
  
"Well yes." Hermione and Ron both looked peeved together. "It turns out there's going to have to be interviews because I'm not the only applicant."  
  
"Really?" Harry was amazed. "Who else has applied?"  
  
"Professor Snape took great pleasure in telling me that he was putting his name forward." Ron looked cross. "Hermione's so much better than him, I don't know why he's bothering, but that's typical Snape."  
  
Hermione looked upset. "Come on babe," said Ron, "See you at breakfast Harry, we're off to bed."  
  
But breakfast was forgotten the next morning in the middle of the commotion that arose as Ravenclaw's Quidditch team walked down to the pitch for an early morning practise. They soon came running back.  
  
"Help! Help!" Ravenclaw's keeper reached Neville first, who was just strolling across the grass from his cottage, "Somebody else is dead!"  
  
Neville, not the bravest of people, visibly turned green. All eight of them bolted for the front doors of the school, shouting for all they were worth. Soon they had assembled quite a crowd.  
  
"We don't know who it is," Ronnie Ramirez, the Ravenclaw Seeker repeated as someone else asked whose body it was, "It's sort of..in little bits." Gasps of horror could be heard everywhere.  
  
Hermione, Harry and Ron shooed everybody into the Great Hall, and set off down to the pitch. What they saw when they got there made Ron go weak at the knees. Harry reached out and steadied him.  
Heaped up in the middle of the pitch were pieces that looked distinctly human. A foot lay a short distance away. They approached the pile apprehensively.  
  
"Bloody Hell." Hermione hardly ever swore, but it seemed reasonable. Fingers, chunks of leg, an ear and most of a chest were evident. Harry ran to the changing rooms and got a spare broomstick. Gingerly they prodded the pile. A black robed arm rolled out of the way, and they all cried out at the same time.  
  
"Professor..."  
  
"...Snape!"  
  
His glassy eyes stared up at them.  
  
  
Chapter 4  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"Hi Daisy, what can I do for you?" Harry put his copy of the Daily Prophet down.  
  
"You know how I upset Ron and Hermione when Professor McGonagall died when I said..."  
  
"You're not still worrying about that are you? It'll get forgotten about."  
  
"I wasn't worrying about it. It's just, the other night in here, Hermione was annoyed that Professor Snape had applied for the Head's position, and now he's..." Daisy lowered her voice. "There are very few people who could have performed that disseminating spell, but Professor Granger did it to a toad in her seventh year Slytherin class last week. I sent an owl to the ministry, I just thought they should be aware."  
  
Being only an acting Head, Hermione didn't have a say in hiring new staff. The school governors had sole responsibility. She was horrified when her new Potions teacher showed up a week after Snape's death. He walked into the Staff Room on Monday morning.  
  
"Mr Malfoy. It's been a long time." Hermione kept her cool as Ron, Harry and others looked on.  
  
"Professor Malfoy now, of course," Draco smirked, "I like to be addressed by my title."  
  
"Ah yes, I forgot. A teaching qualification from the little known Wizard's Academy in Tahiti." Hermione smiled. "It's exotic, I'll grant you that."  
  
"It's a perfectly valid qualification. I happen to be an excellent wizard." The congregated staff looked on amused at this little word duel. "I'd be delighted to give you some instruction if you're having trouble with anything."  
  
Hermione nearly exploded with rage. Malfoy smirked and walked towards the door. "Potter. Weasley." He acknowledged his old foes with narrowed eyes, and left. Ron was left to try and calm Hermione down.  
  
"So Hermione doesn't like Professor Malfoy then." observed Daisy quietly, so only Harry could hear.  
  
"It's nothing," Harry said firmly, "Don't stir things up."  
  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Things calmed down over the next few weeks. The Quidditch season was in full swing, and the Christmas holidays passed without event. Harry had decided to take a chance on Osmanovski, and it proved to be a winning move. Ron commented apologetically that Osmanovski seemed to be even quicker than Harry had been, he seemed to be able to see the Golden Snitch almost before it appeared. Even Albus Dumbledore turned up to watch a match having heard how good he was. He was of course horrified at the recent events, he went round the school with Hermione checking the enchantments, and declared the school to be well fortified. He then enjoyed Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff, and was delighted to see another breathtaking performance from Osmanovski.  
  
The crowd walked happily back towards the school. Osmanovski was carried shoulder high as they marched in, ready for a celebratory feast. But the first people into the hall ground to a halt in the entrance.  
  
Floating in the middle of the hall, above the feast tables decorated in the red and gold of Gryffindor, was Draco Malfoy. The frozen look of horror on his face was obscured by his intestines, which were protruding through his nose, floating in the air with him.  
  
White as a sheet, Hermione swiftly ordered the students to go to their towers.  
  
"A mummifying spell," Dumbledore appeared behind Hermione. "An ancient Egyptian curse, I haven't seen one done for years. Incredibly complicated, fearsomely difficult to apply partially, leaving the brain and lungs inside, as in this case. His intestines were drawn out of him while he was alive, hence the expression on his face. He would have died soon afterwards of course, but I don't like to think about the pain he must have gone through first."  
  
Dumbledore decided to stay for a while. Although very old and very frail, his brilliant mind still functioned as well as ever. He questioned everybody intently, patrolling the school corridors and interrogating people every step of the way. He was keen to hear what Ron, Harry and Hermione had to say, and was also interested in Daisy's account. The Enchantments Professor had plenty to say about what she thought had been happening, she'd been heard in the staff room after the match, "And of course on the day he started Professor Malfoy and Professor Granger had a huge argument in the staff room."  
  
It was a depressed Hermione, Ron and Harry that sat in the staff room, wondering what Daisy was saying.  
  
"I mean, I didn't like Malfoy, but honestly, does she really think that I'm some sort of mass murderer?" Hermione shook her head.  
  
"None of us do." Harry reassured her, "Dumbledore isn't going to worry too much about Daisy's ramblings. He wants to see me now, I'll try and find out what she's been telling him."  
  
Neville found Daisy's body. It was two days later, and Neville had been doing his last thing at night circuit of the castle walls. He hated doing this anyway, as he spooked easily and got very nervous near the forest, but he wasn't expecting the sight that met him that night. He burst into the staff room.  
  
"...Dead...Daisy...worms..." he shouted hysterically, scaring the relaxed staff who were just about to make their way wearily to bed.  
  
They finally managed to get the news from him. Somebody had performed a gigantor carnivorous charm on the flobberworms in the flobberwormery. They had grown into huge beasts, no longer content with eating lettuce, instead with a taste for human flesh. Daisy often went past to collect ingredients from the plant store. She stood no chance against the flobberworms.   
  
"Everybody knows that Daisy had been saying I was the murderer, what must this look like?" Hermione sobbed into Ron's shoulder.  
  
"Don't worry," Ron glanced across at Harry, "We know you didn't do this."  
  
Even Harry looked dubious.  
  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Dumbledore had called Ron into his temporary office that morning to talk to him about the latest events. They had to hurry, because it was the last and deciding game of the Quidditch season, between Slytherin and Gryffindor. Scouts for the England Juniors team were rumoured to be coming to watch Osmanovski, which was unheard of for a first year. They walked together apprehensively down to the game, determined to enjoy it despite their conversation.  
  
Harry blew the whistle to start the match. The game was fast and exciting, and Gryffindor were thirty points clear within five minutes. The Snitch appeared surprisingly early, and there were shouts of excitement as Osmanovski headed the Slytherin seeker as they raced towards it.  
  
Suddenly, Osmanovski ground to a halt. He stayed suspended in mid-air, but his broomstick plummeted from under him, and drove itself into the ground. Before the crowd's eyes, the tip of the broomstick began to peel away, leaving a pointed spike.  
  
"Of course," Dumbledore looked at Ron, "A sharpening spell. You could hardly see him performing it."  
  
Osmanovski's screams increased in volume as from hovering helplessly in mid-air he started to fall directly towards the upturned spear. Ron and Dumbledore both leapt up at the same time, pointing in two different directions.  
  
"Arretus!" cried Dumbledore, and Osmanovski slowed, floating down safely to the ground at the side of the broom.  
  
"Paralysus!" bellowed Ron, and Harry and his broomstick fell gently down alongside. Dumbledore and Ron rushed onto the pitch, followed by a confused looking Hermione.  
  
"The game's up," said Ron, keeping Harry frozen with a keenly pointed wand.  
  
  
Chapter 8  
  
Harry was caged in a tower room, waiting for his transfer to Azkaban. He scowled as Dumbledore walked in.  
  
"What do you want?" he snapped.  
  
"To talk to you," said Dumbledore sadly, "I had hoped that you had decided not to give in to the evil that was inside you. I was obviously wrong."  
  
Downstairs Ron tried to explain things to Hermione.  
  
"Why has Harry done this? What's been going on?"  
  
"McGonagall had her suspicions when she caught Harry receiving owl post from people she knew were Voldemort followers. Snape caught him in his potions room, trying to steal dried unicorn blood to rejuvenate himself. Malfoy had always known he was a follower, but he decided to stage a coup, so he had to go. Daisy overheard a conversation between them the day before Malfoy was killed. That was when she realised that it wasn't you. She told Dumbledore when he was interviewing people, but Harry was waiting outside and he overheard. So she had to go."  
  
"You mean..." Hermione paused, shocked by the magnitude of the revelations, "...Harry is in cahoots with Voldemort?"  
  
"No Hermione," Ron shook his head gravely, "Voldemort died the night he killed Harry's parents. Dumbledore thought that Harry picked up just a few of Voldemort's traits, like the ability to speak parseltongue. But Harry got it all."  
  
"But I don't understand, he fought Voldemort."  
  
"But he didn't, don't you see," Ron continued, "The first time he 'saw' him was in the forest, Malfoy was with him. But Malfoy just said what Harry told him to. The second time was when we went after the Philosopher's Stone. But I got knocked out on the chessboard. You had to turn back, and when I talked to Dumbledore, he said by the time he got there 'Voldemort' had supposedly left Quirrell's body. The second time when Voldemort was supposedly in the form of Tom Riddle only Harry and Ginny were there, and Ginny was unconscious. Every time after that, only Harry was there. The fact that he survived the attack as a baby, parseltongue, he even told Dumbledore once that the Sorting Hat was going to put him in Slytherin. All the signs were there, we were his friends and we didn't want to see them."  
  
"But those spells. Even I didn't know the Egyptian one. How on earth did he do it?"  
  
"Harry got some from the restricted section in the library. The Egyptian one is very rare and not in any of those books. It was in a spell book that my father brought back when we were on holiday in Egypt years ago. Harry must have found it when he stayed at our house. He raced back from the Quidditch pitch on his broomstick while everybody else was still down there celebrating."  
  
"And Osmanovski? Why did Harry try to kill him?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Pure jealousy. I noticed it the first time I mentioned Osmanovski, Harry was very proud of his 'firsts' in Quidditch, and when he heard England scouts were coming today it was just too much. Quidditch was the one thing that kept Harry straight. He really loved the game. When he came here he just slipped back into his old ways. Being coach just wasn't enough. He had time on his hands to try and rally the troops, to stage his bid for power."  
  
Dumbledore entered the room. "Have you told her everything?"  
  
Ron nodded. Dumbledore beckoned to them, "Let's go and say goodbye. The Dementors are here."  
  
THE END  
  
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